life is so screwed up...ugh like why does it have to get so complicated and ucky when i was having such a good day? i was really really looking forward to being a bridesmaid in my sister's wedding...when she was away and school we were close and had fun hanging out on the weekends but now she's moved back home and we're right back to fighting again...it makes me mad..i just want us to be able to hang out and go shopping and laugh together about things again....

ugh and there's boy problems again...my friend's ex..but she was the one that tried to get us together...and i like him because i feel like i can tell him anything and he knows what i'm talking about because he's been through it already...which is kind of a nice feeling...but...i'm not ready for a guy..and i know that...it's just weird..and lindsey (my friend who turned out not to be pregnant YAY) has been giving me advice and its actually pretty good...she's turned a new leaf..and i should take her advice but i can't...i'm not doing anything bad just...i dunno it's hard to explain...it's so weird...

plus there's family issues which suck and i jsut want the world to be as perfect as i thought it was when i was a naive little kid...it's true...ignorance is bliss

so i started thinking about this six months thing...dating God for six months, and i started to worry about it, satan's been tempting me alot lately and it was a really stressful week, and it really worried me and i kept thinking that i wouldn't be able to do it so i would just not even try, but then...i have no idea what happened but this feeling just came over me and my strength was renewed and i know it God helping me out because i should've never thought that i would have to do it by myself...you never have to do anything by yourself because God will always be there with you carrying you when you fall...

on a sadder note...my best friend has been struggling alot lately...and she's umm..sexually active with a couple guys....and i would never leave her, she's my best friend and if i left her it would give her the wrong impression about christians... and she used to be an amazing girl who was so on fire for God and i don't know what changed, but i just didn't want you to think badly about her...but anywayz...so the other day so was "with" some guy and the condom broke...now she's worrying that she might be pregnant...please just if you read this ..please pray for her

i'm really scared for her...i just want her to get over whatever grudge she has against God...arrrrrgggghhh

So i got hit by a train this week....well actually i've been hit by a train a couple times in the last week...things just seem to be happening to me and it's opened my eyes....

I've realized that you don't need to go looking for your prince charming and stressing about it because God will bring him to you...i've also realized some problems that i have...flaws we'll say.  well a couple weeks ago, my sister gave her testimony at our church and she was talking about how she struggles with keeping garrett (her fiance) in his place and not putting him before God...and you know what i realized? i do that with every single relationship i'm in and as i thought about this i kept getting madder and madder, because i find myself putting some guy, who has so many imperfections and doesn't always treat me right, before God who is perfect in every way  and who will always be there for me....i continue to let silly guys break my heart when all i need right now is to be so completely in love with God...

so i took a challenge...i had  a girls bible study the other day and i decided i was going date God for the next six months...because it's not a healthy relationship with a guy if it's not centered around God and if i worship the guy over God...i do not want to be that kind of person

He dumped me....i told him i loved him...and it was true. he said we should just be friends....funny how they always seem to say that...and it works for the first week or two and then after a month you realize that you don't even know who they are anymore....and when you ask them why you guys don't talk anymore...they just say you drifted apart...i saw it coming...all guys do it...why can't i just learn...

oh yeah and i'm crying again...this is just great...